Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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