he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
