Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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