I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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