my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
