ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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