Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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