so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i think im in europe. pls send help
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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