i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
