distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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