So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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