Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
