The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
