And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
