I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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