I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
