9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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