dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
