i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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