If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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