An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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