its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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