I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
