Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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