Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
