You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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