Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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