I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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