she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This baby is an asshole
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
