he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just tell him i said nine months
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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