why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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