note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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