On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
