Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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