I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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