you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
