this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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