A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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