I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
