i think i have two assholes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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