She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
