I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
