The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
