Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he fucked my hip out of place.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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