Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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