Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
