I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
