I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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