Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
