She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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