I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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