I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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