Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
